Barfly Buzzkill

Lots of folks enjoy frequenting the bar scene and lots of folks do so because they simply wish to be drunk. For me, I like to meet interesting people who have some level of intelligence and can stimulate my brain. Essentially, I like meeting interesting people wherever I go. So, if I have to spend my night in a bar, I want to be around a mixture of people to up the odds of this happening for me.

Last night, while with 2 of my female friends, I engaged in a little debate with two men. One was the soon-to-be groom and the other was his buddy in the bachelor party that consisted of about 8 guys. The groom decided to come over to me and ask me my opinion on something. Poor guy.

“Hey can I ask you something?” – “Sure.” – “So, my friends want to go to a strip club, but my fiance said no strip clubs. What do you think I should do?”

Oh, dear god, you are now opening the portal to your damnation. My feelings on marriage and bachelor parties are so intense that any drunk man would quickly regret the decision of ever asking me to give my thoughts on the matter he just did. And, of course, he regretted this decision. He and his buddy even plowed deeper into my initial response.

“Well, you chose the wrong one of us to ask, but since you did: I think you should be the man your fiance wants to marry and respect her feelings on the matter.” – “Well, if you were her, what would you do if I did go?” – “If I found out? I wouldn’t marry you. You don’t care about my feelings and my feelings might have some logic or grounding to them which you decided to disregard. That’s not an indication of marriage-ready behavior.” – “Wow, you are right, though.”

At this point the groom-to-be tells his buddy, the bad influence as he is referring to him, that they aren’t going and that I am right. The bad influence then sparks up a friendly debate with me.

“I think you have some good points. I mean, I still think we should go. The rest of us want to go.” – “Are you his friend? Aren’t you supposed to support him and his relationship? – “You are right. I mean, I think we will still go, but I see what you are saying. I know that I am in the same place trying to decide on if I should get married to my girlfriend. She said I could go to the strip club, though. Like, no one is cheating. It’s not cheating. What would you do if you were getting married?” – “First of all, you’re opening up a serious doorway here. Marriage has its pros, but that is a legal contract you are entering. And, unless you understand that there is nothing romantic about it and that it is purely for legal rights and other negotiations – I believe firmly in pre-nuptuals – then you are setting yourself up for issues. American society romanticized marriage. Years before it was merely a bargaining and agreement tool. Ya know? I’ll give you 5 goats and a piece of land for your daughter. If it didn’t exist – marriage – would you create it? – “[Laughing] You know, you remind me of my ex. And, I know that probably sounds like a bad thing to you, but it’s not. I feel like I kind of feel the same way about things sometimes – marriage and all. But, I dunno. I do think that there is importance with taking the vows. The vows are definitely important and you have to love the person. I know that I can be committed to one person, but shouldn’t you be allowed to have one last night of fun before marriage?” – “Listen to what you are saying. Let’s pretend that you and I are dating and 6 months into it, we decide that we are monogamous. We decide that we love each other and we’re going to be committed to only each other. We set the rules of the relationship. Five years later you propose and now you want to have a bachelor party? When the fuck were you a bachelor? Before me, right? Now, you feel like you are owed one last night of fun? Am I not fun? Are you marrying a boring woman that you are bored with already but you’re claiming to want to spend eternity with? What are you saying? Seriously, ask yourself what sense this makes? – “But, traditionally…” – “Traditionally what? Are you kidding me? First of all, you want to know what is romantic? Being with a man for eternity that wakes up everyday and chooses to be with me when he knows full well that he can up and leave at any time without the shackles of a marriage vow and the legal implications – not to mention the possibility that I may become a vindictive asshole and take his house and money. Because, you don’t know a person until you really fuck with that person. If the man I am with wants children, we will get married and there will be thoroughly written pre-nups on both ends. It’s a legal arrangement. – “I mean, yeah I totally get it. I kind of agree with that. I just am a little confused myself, I guess. – “Go watch He’s Just Not That Into You and pay attention to the relationship between Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck. That might help you.”

I’ve obviously shortened this, but all in all it was a fun conversation. We shook hands and agreed that we enjoyed the banter. But, I totally ruined their night and I bet the groom’s wife-to-be would love me for it.


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